by Inga » Thu Mar 20, 2014 7:19 am
Hi Sorcerer
I"m sorry to read you've not been feeling well. Mental illness is tough, it's not like a cast or band-aid where folks can see you are having difficulty. You say you are disappointed with your progress. But I read your message and I am impressed that you've continued to train despite your illness. That right there is victory, and that is progress - you didn't give up. Does it really matter what color your belt or how high your rank? Or does it matter that you don't give up, you continue to work to keep your body healthy and do something you really enjoy. The fact you are physically able to train is fortunate.I started training kung fu in my late 30s, and in ten years I've only achieved two stripes - and now I am zeroing in on fifty, and being introduced to intermediate material, I feel I have little chance of ever doing it justice. But there are people who do, and I can work with them, and do the best I can do. For me, it's exactly as you say, I enjoy it. As long as I am working within my best range of abilities, I'm 'winning'. There are other things that I excel at that others do not. Despite knowing all this, I sometimes do still get down that I'll never be really very good at kung fu - but, performing it is just one aspect, understanding it and working with people is another. I can't jump and land in a low fu hu bu, but I know where in the form it happens, even if mine is not low, and I can help someone working on the form (as an example).
It's very easy to look at our lives and say, 'gosh I don't have [fill in the blank - enough money, a good job, a wonderful partner, etc] but I think that leaves us feeling needy and not as capable to step up and get on with helping ourselves and others. It can be just as easy to look at what we DO have and be grateful for those things. That starts to make us feel fortunate and energized and I think from there good things can happen. Perhaps as you travel and contemplate your situation your viewpoint on how you are doing will begin to shift. I can say since I started to put less pressure on myself to be as good as everyone else in my class and focused on just being as good as I can manage, I have felt much happier. It doesn't stop the normal ups and downs of training, sometimes I make great connections, sometimes I am not feeling so well or am tired from work or helping a friend in need. That's okay..I still am doing my best at that moment in time. For you right now, the medication gets in the way, work around it the best you can, just like we work around sprains and breaks, in time there will be change - you'll have improved medication for your situation, or won't need it. Ultimately, does it matter if something takes 10 days, 10 years or 20 years so long as you are enjoying what you do. Try to make the pleasure not about getting ahead, but about being able to participate. If it's about achievement, which I think makes sense, it can be I made third stripe, or it can be I learned this form and I am taking it apart and learning it's mechanics and working on it and talking to others about it - I think that is still growth. There are a variety of ways to measure things : )
Good luck in all areas, and I second Brer's comment, enjoy your travels!
Cheers inga
Ancora Imparo